Sass: Diagnosis-Operator Error

So for all my bitching and moaning about money flying out the windows I do a major faux pas. I got gas early this a.m. and decided to get a car wash too. Now, before I go any further, it should be noted that I *know* I am not smart or particularly sharp in the a.m. I know this...but the world does not and therefore I need to operate at a time when I shouldn't operate.

We are in the carwash and the car is shaking and moving and Ornery Tiger Cub is getting scared so I pull up on the e-brake. Okay....light turns green....I go and I can't get the car to budge. I have to really push on the gas. Those who do not suffer from mommy-brain probably can already diagnose what was wrong. I, for the life of me, could not. So I finally get it to go and I'm cruising down the street wondering why my car is so unresponsive but think not much of it because it has 221,000 miles on it and is a 1991 year van. Fast forward three or so hours and I have offered to go pick up LoveMeLots so Phil doesn't have to stop his game in exchange for extreme ass-kissing when I come back home.

Again, my car is unresponsive. It'll go but it takes a lot of convincing. Then it starts to shudder...right about the time I hit 30 mph. And I'm shuddering and shaking and freaking out all the way to LoveMeLot's school. Plus it was making a "rough-running" sound. So then I pick up LoveMeLots and on the way back it is just worse and worse until it starts smoking. I get home and freak out. "Phil you've got to look at my car...it stinks...it's unresponsive and is shuddering." (Hindsight grants me the ability to see an uncanny resemblence here to Phil when he plays computer games, which ironically, he was still playing when I told him this.) He says alright and then does nothing....and then...nothing....and then....nothing. This is status quo for him lately and I nearly throttled his precious little ass. I call my Dad:
Me: Dad...my car is shaking and smoking and doesn't want to go. What is wrong with it?
Dad: What?
Me: (Realizing I should get to the most important part) My car is smoking.
Dad: Well, so do you.
Me: Thanks.

He thinks it is either the oil or the transmission. He says, "Where's Phil?" I say, "Playing the computer." They know all about my peev-ability with this as they have heard my venting oh-so-much about it lately. He says, "Do I need to have a talk with Phil?" "No Dad, " I say.

So I wait some more....tell Phil that he has a real-life drama as opposed to a computer game drama that he needs to attend to RIGHT NOW. "Okay" he says. Good....he still has control over his vocal cords. And I wait and wait some more. Now, I grab the eff-ing keys and go to the van myself all the while contemplating running away...if I can get my van to work.

I start checking the oil and surprise, surprise it's fine despite the "check oil" light I've neglected for the past week. By now Phil has come out of his virtual fog and is down there helping me. He takes it for a test drive...oh please, do note that HE TOOK IT FOR A TEST DRIVE. And comes back saying, "It's the transmission." He says he'll check the transmission fluid. It's full. So he says, "Where's the papers?" So we start researching buying another, more recent but still used, van.

I end up picking up AstroBoy too and I take the Jeep. As I am pulling away from the curb after I've picked up AstroBoy, I do this mental, "Turn on engine, put into drive, check e-brake." And then I hear "E-BRAKE" rattle in my head and start laughing my freakin' ass off. AstroBoy, used to me being completely insane, just keeps talking about school and Pokemon cards as I yell, through uncontrollable laughter, "DADDY IS GONNA BITCH-SLAP ME!!!! I'm so dead." He stops long enough to say, "No he won't," and goes back to Pokemon and blah-blah-blah.

But guess what, Phil already made an appointment to see a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan and we are OBLIGATED and then we start rationalizing, "Well, this car is old...and it has SO many miles on it. Plus, it's heating core is eff-ed up and there is no AC and the windows don't work." Oh, and most of all, THE EFFING E-BRAKE LIGHT DOESN'T LIGHT UP ON THE CONSOLE. So we went and saw it and they just got it in as a trade in so they want to put new tires on it, detail it out, check the smog and title, yada, yada and then it may very well be ours.

The bottom line good news is that we need something that is newer and more than that we need to rebuild our credit from the bankruptcy/near-foreclosure mess we've been in and I couldn't have asked for a better salesman/loan guy. He kept saying, "Don't be embarrased. I have worked with all types of cases for the past five years." Then he pulled our credit reports while Phil and I kept snickering were snickering in his office like two kids who know just how messed up a situation is but the adult hasn't figured it out yet. And he comes back in, shows them to us and says, "This isn't as bad as you think. I can find a bank to finance you." What?! I nearly kissed him and bore four children for him too. We are only going to finance half or a little more than the sale price but I told the guy, "If I only came here today to sit down with you and hear you say that our credit, although hurting, isn't a disaster it was well worth the trip!"

Sassy Fun: POPPA

POPPA
Originally uploaded by smudgebaby.

This is "Pissed-Off-Piper-Post-Advantage." I gave him his Advantage flea treatment and now he is mad and squinty-eyed at me. Cracks me up. Won't even let me close to him now.

Sassy Me: 3 Things Quiz

Acquired from Susie who didn't officially tag anyone but gave all readers free reign.....so I tagged myself. :o)

Three names you go by:
Jen, Baby, Mommy

Three screen names you have had:
Peach654, fireblossom22, philjenmartin

Three physical things you like about yourself:
My eyes, my feet, my smile

Three parts of your heritage:
Portuguese, German, Greek

Three things that scare you:
Thinking about harm that might come to my children, the cost of real estate, the way people treat each other

Three things you're wearing now:
Jeans, undereye bags, messy hair (don't I sound like the picture of beauty?!)

Three of your favorite bands or musical artist:
Gretchen Wilson ('cause she not only understands girls like me, but she sings for us), Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock (sorry, but I love the dude)

Three of your favorite songs:
Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay-Otis Redding, Amazing Grace, Angel-Sarah McLaughlin

Three things you want in a relationship:
Loyalty, humor, great sex

Two truths and a lie (which one is a lie?)
I'm a published writer, I'm the third child in a family of all girls, I want two more kids to add to my four (LIE...BIG LIE!!!!)

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
Eyes (they have to twinkle when they smile), Smile (needs to be sexy and playful), legs (muscularly defined).

Three of your favorite hobbies:
Writing (that includes journaling, essays and fiction), reading (which includes for entertainment and for learning),mixed media collages

Three things you want to do badly right now:
Hire a babysitter, hire a maid, take a daytrip

Three careers you're considering:
These are three careers I dream about--Ballerina, Actress, Artist (a girl can dream can't she?)

Three places you want to go on vacation:
A pilgrimage to all the Virgin Mary shrines in Europe(namely Portugal and France), Ashland, Oregon (bet it'd be neat to visit there as a tourist instead of finding a way to pay the mortgage while living there), New York

Three kids' names you like:
Sasha, Tucker, Ariel

Three things you want to do before you die:
See my children become parents and spend time with the grandkids, travel with Phil, get my degree so I can help others

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
I'm with Susie on this one...love the purses and shoes, love getting made-up, get mushy over nearly everything.

Three celebrity crushes:
My newest is Patrick Dempsey....he is somethin' else on Grey's Anatomy, Josh Lucas (he was Reese Witherspoon's Alabama husband in Sweet Home Alabama) and Owen Wilson.

Sassy Fun: Demeter

How happy was I to find this quiz and have this be the result? VERY. Are we sensing a Demeter-trend going on for me lately?

Demeter... clever and beautiful, you're the beau of
Munkustrap and best friend to Bombalurina.
You're movements are fluid and jazzy as well as
your voice and you can tell you'll be beautiful
for a long time after you can't dance anymore.
You're compassionate to others troubles but no
one seems to want to listen to your opinions
when they're not popular, maybe it's because
you're always right.


Which Female Character from CATS the musical are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sassy Fun: Bizy, bizy

Ever since Phil got me that espresso machine I've been zooming around doing entirely too many things at once and interestingly enough, not answering email or posting to my blog. The house is clean though. Well, sort of...but I feel productive anyway.

We went and saw a performance of the musical CATS here last Wednesday and that was awesome. It felt good to get out and doing something artsy together. My personal favorite was John Boy as Rum Tum Tugger. The program said he had just released his first CD and yet, Amazon doesn't have it. Since I have learned that things do exist outside of the Amazon and Ebay realm, I'll continue to search for it. However....if you know where I can find it, drop me a line.

Sassy Mama: John Cena and My Boys

JohnCenaandBoys
Originally uploaded by smudgebaby.

Awww...priceless....today Astro Boy and LoveMeLots Boy got to meet John Cena (WWE Champ). Whom, by the way, is so nice and quite a gentleman. ;o) I made sure the boys thanked John for his time and for posing in a picture with them. Astro Boy is still recovering from meeting his idol and really pissed at LoveMeLots for squeezing in closest.

John's arms are huge! Notice his shoulder/arm area is bigger than Astro Boy's head!

Sassy Wifey: Never Complain

Never complain that hubby doesn't listen. Never. Because when you say, "oh my gosh," as you are passing the fire station and the firemen are hanging out outside and then, still not thinking correctly you continue with, "yay...firemen...they are fine," you'll be glad he doesn't always listen. I keep forgetting that hubby doesn't want to hear about how hot some guys are...luckily....he doesn't always listen to my passenger babble.

Sassy Mama: Follow-up Note to Self

Don't bitch and moan about Mother's Day because future might hold nice diamond ring. I feel like an assface.

Writing: Haikus for Local Homesellers

Haiku #1
There it stands, your home
Bought for two hundred thousand
Sold for one million

Haiku #2
Quickly sell, fast cash
Gosh, you're so smart and clever
But screwed your neighbor

Haiku #3
Blue collar, too bad
White collar, fast cash for you
Blue collar, pay rent

No hostility here.... :o/

Sassy Mama: Note to Self

I musn't build up Mother's Day in the days prior to actual event because it never, ever pans out.
AstroBoy is not talking to me because he's pissed that he had to leave Grandma's house. Ornery Tiger Cub ripped up my teenage journals this early a.m. Pebbles...well she's alright except she did slam her forehead on my nose...on purpose. LoveMeLots boy is half asleep. And hubby bs'd at work and just now got home. Nice. At least I have a box of See's Candy. I'll just eat into oblivion.

Sass: My village is too expensive....

I'm trying hard to ignore and not stress out on the mondo-mess that is my apartment right now. I can't believe how badly 1,000 +/- square feet can get thrashed under the creative and capable hands of four children.

So I approach life and housecleaning this morning like a 12-stepper, one room at a time. But first, I need coffee. I make the coffee and grab a cig and head outside with the paper. The San Jose Mercury New's Real Estate section. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I even look? Well, because I thrive on the thought that someday I'll have a home of my own again. But I should just look at the pictures....but I haven't mastered the control to keep from looking at the listing price. This is what followed, "799,000 oh shit...1.2 million...oh shit.....oh wait, this one is only 569,000 but wait...I can't afford anything above 100,000." Ugh.

So move...start over someplace else right? Wrong. We did that in Ashland. Apparently any place that has even remotely low prices has a job market to match.

And more importantly, this is where our village is...you know...our parents and some of our siblings. They aren't in Ashland, unfortunately, because Lord knows I'd rather scrape by in Ashland than in California.

I feel like writing an angry letter to the newspaper. Maybe I should write subscription services and tell them I don't want the real estate section included in my paper, instruct paperboy to take it out.

And the shitty thing is our only chance to own a home out here is by inheriting it. So that comes down to this equation: own home=not having as many family members OR not owning home=having lots of family.

Obviously, we'd rather have our family.

Sassy Me: My alter ego

Every so often I get mail for "Genevieve Martin." Clearly, a misprint as my name is Jennifer Martin. But I always get a kick out of it. I like to think of Genevieve as my alter ego and this is what I'd expect her to be like:
-nicely styled hair..definitely uses hot curlers daily
-made up cosmetically but not overdone
-oozes sex appeal (well, duh...she's an alter ego)
-she has the means and the ability to drop everything and travel to exotic or not-so-extoic locations at a moment's notice
-She does not do one-night-stands (well, shit, neither do I)
-She isn't "into" designer names but will spot something and snatch it up if it makes her feel beautiful and is quality, if a designer name comes with it, so be it
-She's confident and independent
-She has moxie...but she also has very good judgement so her moxie always is directed correctly (unlike me who moxies all over the place)

That's Genevieve...my alter ego.

As soon as I find those raggedy holed jeans that forced me to do the horrid jean shopping mentioned prior, I am going to do this with them. I can't wait!

Sassy Fun: Piggies!

I love this stuff. I got this from Bobopuppyhead. It is a Draw A Pig Personality Test. My pig looks like this. Go to Bobo's site above and the link is under the most recent cartoon (as of today).

Reading: Book Frenzy

Another day of reading frenzy. I stop for little breaks to tend to the children when they make it absolutely necessary for me to avert my eyes from the page. I have entirely too many books to read. The book I just finished was awesome! It is 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed and was on my "Books To Check Out" list for quite some time.

I usually look for it when I go on book outings with my parents, fellow bookworms and lovers of the written and bound word. Being that it was always listed in Psychology/Self-Help/Recovery and yet was never present in that exact location left me confuzzled. My status quo is to start to look for it in erotica. HOWEVER, it never ceases to amaze me how my father would walk up, lost in his own book-drugged world and ask me the most asinine question. Once it was, "Where's your mother at?" Hello...do you not realize you've come up to your daughter while she is in the SEX section? And worse, have you realized and then not cared and still proceeded with your question?! The good news is he didn't notice, didn't care and really, he just couldn't find my mom who I had stationed in the children's book section with Pebbles and Ornery Tiger Cub so I didn't have to bring them to that section. See, I had started a theme there, "NO FAMILY MEMBERS NEED ACCOMPANY ME TO THE SEX SECTION." Pops didn't notice. I quickly showed him to my mother.

Last night he came up to me and said, "Hey, did you know that you can get an ISSN for your blog?" Huh? No, actually the only thing I've recently learned is that if I read this book I can learn how to drive my husband wild all night long (although that always sparks my mental debate: hot sex vs. sleep)...but gee, you're right ISSNs are so much more interesting. Ugh. It's probably better for him that he doesn't realize. Or...maybe, as I suspect, he just doesn't give a damn. Anyway, I got a blog computer lesson that was pretty interesting.

Sassy Mama: Montag, Montag...

For goodness sakes....what a day it has been....just like a Montag.

Astroboy is stressed out with homework and Catehism (spelling?) catch-up work only to tell me that he missed five sessions so he'll have to start over again next year. Huh? Then why's he doing all the catch-up work. I'm confused. LoveMeBoy is taking a nap, thank the heavens above. He's crashed out over the ottoman now. OrneryTigerCub is chewing on a marker (did you expect anything else...at least it's capped...this time). Pebbles is nie-nie with Daddy. Which leaves me here, blogging. I'm pretty sure my attention would be better served toward Mt. Laundry or Swamp Dirty Dishes...put I'm chilling in Blog Island so they can just kiss it.

You know...I've been wanting to sort of make up a list of what I've learned but I can't. Not that I haven't learned anything...just I can't think of it all. It's stuff I recall when I'm faced with a trial or a decision but not stuff that randomly flits through my brain or is friendly to recall-on-demand.

Dinner may easily be pizza tonight. But between the hours of 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. I always say it's pizza. 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. is THE worst time of day for me. I hate it...I wouldn't miss it if they took it off the clock and went straight to 6:25...dinner magically appearing on the table. Sort of like:

Sassy Fun: You Are Demeter!

You are Demeter, goddess of the earth and abundant
harvests. You are very giving and generous to
those around you.


What Kind Of Goddess Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sassy Mama: It's Supposed to Be Sunday!

Which means I refrain from cooking, cleaning and basically doing anything that requires me to move my ass. But Ornery Tiger Cub made such a mess in the living room that just walking through it required more energy than it would to clean it. And Hubby decided to have his old rims put on my minivan so I don't "click-click-click" around town. So that required me to clean (long story but he needs a ride which means we could very well have someone over here to watch the kids since we don't all fit in the Jeep). Personally I like the "click-click-click" of my car...reminds me of the old school days of putting stuff (like playing cards or whatever) in your bicycle spokes specifically so you could make that clicking sound while you rolled in your 'hood.

I was flipping through the Sunday paper today and in Parade they had an ad for this: http://ashtondrake.collectiblestoday.com/ct/product/prdid-327665001.jsp
Now, even if I wasn't Catholic, this would highly disturb me. How weird do you gotta be to buy this? Pictures-OK, Little Statues-OK, Pins or Fliers-Also OK.....Doll-A little weird.....
Watch Mom-ma is going to get pissed at me because she was actually contemplating buying it.

Stupid Ass Downstairs Neighbor voiced his complaint again today, via pounding on the ceiling/floor. I'm sooo ready to go Crazy White Girl on him. I am. Just walk up the stairs motha-fucker and I'm going to be all over your shit like white on rice. I mean, get the fuck over yourself.....my three-year-old doesn't stop running for his dear sweet mama, no way in hell is he going to do it for a Stupid Ass Downstairs Neighbor. And so I tell Hubby, get down there and tell him off. Tell him we have four kids and that we are doing our best to not have them be loud but noise happens. Tell him!!!! And Hubby doesn't. I say, "You want me to go down there? 'Cause I'll go down there. I'm super pissed...you know what will happen right?" He does.

We have a history of him not saying what needs to be said and instead I say it and the receiver of such a talking-to gets all up and pissed because they don't like a little white woman telling them how it is and they talk shit back to me and BAM Hubby suddenly steps in and handles it. I'm just trying to expedite the process. Eliminate the middle-woman from the scenario. So damn it Hubby, handle our biz-ness.

Hubby just ain't up to such exertions right now. How do I know this? Because today, right after the neighbor banged on the ceiling/floor, we went out for a smoke and I was egging Hubby on....go handle it. And he says, "Are they even home?" What?! No, Hubby we just angered the spirits that dwell in the downstairs unit. Reminded me of Bill Engvall's skit....Here's Your Sign.