Sass: Diagnosis-Operator Error

So for all my bitching and moaning about money flying out the windows I do a major faux pas. I got gas early this a.m. and decided to get a car wash too. Now, before I go any further, it should be noted that I *know* I am not smart or particularly sharp in the a.m. I know this...but the world does not and therefore I need to operate at a time when I shouldn't operate.

We are in the carwash and the car is shaking and moving and Ornery Tiger Cub is getting scared so I pull up on the e-brake. Okay....light turns green....I go and I can't get the car to budge. I have to really push on the gas. Those who do not suffer from mommy-brain probably can already diagnose what was wrong. I, for the life of me, could not. So I finally get it to go and I'm cruising down the street wondering why my car is so unresponsive but think not much of it because it has 221,000 miles on it and is a 1991 year van. Fast forward three or so hours and I have offered to go pick up LoveMeLots so Phil doesn't have to stop his game in exchange for extreme ass-kissing when I come back home.

Again, my car is unresponsive. It'll go but it takes a lot of convincing. Then it starts to shudder...right about the time I hit 30 mph. And I'm shuddering and shaking and freaking out all the way to LoveMeLot's school. Plus it was making a "rough-running" sound. So then I pick up LoveMeLots and on the way back it is just worse and worse until it starts smoking. I get home and freak out. "Phil you've got to look at my car...it stinks...it's unresponsive and is shuddering." (Hindsight grants me the ability to see an uncanny resemblence here to Phil when he plays computer games, which ironically, he was still playing when I told him this.) He says alright and then does nothing....and then...nothing....and then....nothing. This is status quo for him lately and I nearly throttled his precious little ass. I call my Dad:
Me: Dad...my car is shaking and smoking and doesn't want to go. What is wrong with it?
Dad: What?
Me: (Realizing I should get to the most important part) My car is smoking.
Dad: Well, so do you.
Me: Thanks.

He thinks it is either the oil or the transmission. He says, "Where's Phil?" I say, "Playing the computer." They know all about my peev-ability with this as they have heard my venting oh-so-much about it lately. He says, "Do I need to have a talk with Phil?" "No Dad, " I say.

So I wait some more....tell Phil that he has a real-life drama as opposed to a computer game drama that he needs to attend to RIGHT NOW. "Okay" he says. Good....he still has control over his vocal cords. And I wait and wait some more. Now, I grab the eff-ing keys and go to the van myself all the while contemplating running away...if I can get my van to work.

I start checking the oil and surprise, surprise it's fine despite the "check oil" light I've neglected for the past week. By now Phil has come out of his virtual fog and is down there helping me. He takes it for a test drive...oh please, do note that HE TOOK IT FOR A TEST DRIVE. And comes back saying, "It's the transmission." He says he'll check the transmission fluid. It's full. So he says, "Where's the papers?" So we start researching buying another, more recent but still used, van.

I end up picking up AstroBoy too and I take the Jeep. As I am pulling away from the curb after I've picked up AstroBoy, I do this mental, "Turn on engine, put into drive, check e-brake." And then I hear "E-BRAKE" rattle in my head and start laughing my freakin' ass off. AstroBoy, used to me being completely insane, just keeps talking about school and Pokemon cards as I yell, through uncontrollable laughter, "DADDY IS GONNA BITCH-SLAP ME!!!! I'm so dead." He stops long enough to say, "No he won't," and goes back to Pokemon and blah-blah-blah.

But guess what, Phil already made an appointment to see a 2000 Dodge Grand Caravan and we are OBLIGATED and then we start rationalizing, "Well, this car is old...and it has SO many miles on it. Plus, it's heating core is eff-ed up and there is no AC and the windows don't work." Oh, and most of all, THE EFFING E-BRAKE LIGHT DOESN'T LIGHT UP ON THE CONSOLE. So we went and saw it and they just got it in as a trade in so they want to put new tires on it, detail it out, check the smog and title, yada, yada and then it may very well be ours.

The bottom line good news is that we need something that is newer and more than that we need to rebuild our credit from the bankruptcy/near-foreclosure mess we've been in and I couldn't have asked for a better salesman/loan guy. He kept saying, "Don't be embarrased. I have worked with all types of cases for the past five years." Then he pulled our credit reports while Phil and I kept snickering were snickering in his office like two kids who know just how messed up a situation is but the adult hasn't figured it out yet. And he comes back in, shows them to us and says, "This isn't as bad as you think. I can find a bank to finance you." What?! I nearly kissed him and bore four children for him too. We are only going to finance half or a little more than the sale price but I told the guy, "If I only came here today to sit down with you and hear you say that our credit, although hurting, isn't a disaster it was well worth the trip!"