Sass: Things that make me go "WTF?"
I'm not sure if I just coined that heading or if I totally subconsciously took it from some other wise and savvy individual. Since delusion is a mostly happy place for me, I'll consider it *mine* and *mine alone.* (Shit, I'm so stealing from Colbert Report or the David Spade thing huh?)
So back to the point---things that make me go, "WTF?"
---The spiel where the flight attendant is all into her (or his---see I'm all about equality) pre-flight instructions about the oxygen mask and the seat cushion that doubles as a floatation device---does she/he not realize that she/he is attending the commuter flight...the one in which you are flying from Silicon Valley to Southern California and also the one which flies only above land? Unless we are really lucky upon our crash (and again, do we really think luck is our strong point that day, considering after all, that we are crashing?) and fall into a huge, deep lake I don't think the floatation seat cushion is a selling point for me. How about the airline springing for individual parachutes? Hmmm? That would be nice and I know it would put me at ease. 'Cause really, when I'm free-falling towards earth at an alarming rate the last thing I'm going to find helpful is the fact that the seat cushion can float.
---People who feel the need to advertise their sexual orientation on their vehicle. When I'm stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with all of the Bay Area the last thing I need to know about my fellow commuters is what they prefer in the bedroom. Honestly, I have no bias or prejudice against others, except in the case of TMI. I am TMI-phobic. Yes, those that know me (and consequently *love* me) will be laughing as I find each and every detail of my own life not only interesting but am so generously willing to share the entertainment with anyone I deem worthy of listening--I just don't extend this courtesy to others. Mostly people I don't know. And that means random people at the mall, folks in the grocery store line and fellow commuters. Now, before you think I'm aiming this at the population who love to slather rainbow stickers all over their cars, let me just broaden your mind for a moment. I'm also looking at you Mr. 18-Wheeler-With-The-Silver-Silhouettes-of-36-24-36-Chicks. Yes....you. I'm just sayin' that one look at your lack of hygiene and own personal measurements of 38-46-38 says enough. The only 36-24-36 you are going to find is at the strip club and you're gonna be paying her quite a sum in exchange for her company. She sure as shit ain't coming to you willingly.
---Personal fountains....mostly the desktop ones. Here's why: As a mother of four, three of which are boys, the sound of running fluids is never good because one of the two scenarios are at play (if not both):
1-Someone is flooding the bathroom-or-
2-Someone is peeing in the corner.
Either way I'm screwed and fit to be tied as I don my protective gear and prepare myself to enter into the young-testerone-zone and perform hazmat-esque clean-up. So anytime I hear running water I panic, and with no surprise. Running water is not soothing, it is bad. Bad. And people who sneak those damn little water fountains indoors prey on my adrenalin system. They are causing me kidney damage....adrenal fatigue. I just don't need that kinda stress in my life. So deep breathe or something. Chant...I'm used to idle self-chatter both from my children and myself. Do something...get one of those squeeze-em stress balls. Just please....don't do the running water thing.
---People who love songs that urge you to "live like you were dying." Hmmm...listen, I get the deeper message...I do. And how could I not? Every home decor store worth their salt has decorative signs with such platitudes. I get it...savor each day, live life to the most, yada. And I agree. However, let's really look at the sentence, "Live like you were dying." Now....wouldn't that be awful? Consider all the ways you might be dying. I just don't think we should all be living in hospital beds, hooked up to IVs, breathing machines, etc. Why not say "Live life fully." Much more to the point.
---Voicemail messages that say, "I'm either on the other line or away from my desk."
Um...duh-much? Are they worried that without that disclosure everyone that calls will take it personal, thinking that in the callee's psychic-ways (or Caller ID wisdom) is deliberately shunning them? I think it's fairly obvious to less paranoid folk that Voicemail=Person Busy Right Now. All we really need is a name so we know we got the right number, a brief assurance that the callee has some plan to return calls soon and then be on your way.
---Knee shorts...or whatever those awful fashion tragedies are. They are everywhere. Like a bad, bad rash or virus. They are baggy "shorts" that are really just Capris (which, on the other hand are CUTE, CUTE, CUTE!) that the seamstress cut-off too soon. Like right after the knee. Awful.
Listen, NO ONE looks good in these things. I know Plum has her own personal hatred of skorts, which I whole-heartedly support, but I have to say that a more urgent fashion virus that needs to be erradicated is the knee shorts epidemic. And as I was telling my bestest friend Audrey tonight on the phone...the thing that gets me is they are often paired with high-heels. Really now....I mean....r.e.a.l.l.y.n.o.w. It's like, "Gee...I can't seem to really get that I-C-K look down with just the knee-shorts. Oh! I know just the thing to really make folks gag.....high heels!"
That's all for now....I'm sure tomorrow will bring more things for you and I cackle about. Until then, keep on...keeping on.....or you know, living like you were dying. :oP
So back to the point---things that make me go, "WTF?"
---The spiel where the flight attendant is all into her (or his---see I'm all about equality) pre-flight instructions about the oxygen mask and the seat cushion that doubles as a floatation device---does she/he not realize that she/he is attending the commuter flight...the one in which you are flying from Silicon Valley to Southern California and also the one which flies only above land? Unless we are really lucky upon our crash (and again, do we really think luck is our strong point that day, considering after all, that we are crashing?) and fall into a huge, deep lake I don't think the floatation seat cushion is a selling point for me. How about the airline springing for individual parachutes? Hmmm? That would be nice and I know it would put me at ease. 'Cause really, when I'm free-falling towards earth at an alarming rate the last thing I'm going to find helpful is the fact that the seat cushion can float.
---People who feel the need to advertise their sexual orientation on their vehicle. When I'm stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with all of the Bay Area the last thing I need to know about my fellow commuters is what they prefer in the bedroom. Honestly, I have no bias or prejudice against others, except in the case of TMI. I am TMI-phobic. Yes, those that know me (and consequently *love* me) will be laughing as I find each and every detail of my own life not only interesting but am so generously willing to share the entertainment with anyone I deem worthy of listening--I just don't extend this courtesy to others. Mostly people I don't know. And that means random people at the mall, folks in the grocery store line and fellow commuters. Now, before you think I'm aiming this at the population who love to slather rainbow stickers all over their cars, let me just broaden your mind for a moment. I'm also looking at you Mr. 18-Wheeler-With-The-Silver-Silhouettes-of-36-24-36-Chicks. Yes....you. I'm just sayin' that one look at your lack of hygiene and own personal measurements of 38-46-38 says enough. The only 36-24-36 you are going to find is at the strip club and you're gonna be paying her quite a sum in exchange for her company. She sure as shit ain't coming to you willingly.
---Personal fountains....mostly the desktop ones. Here's why: As a mother of four, three of which are boys, the sound of running fluids is never good because one of the two scenarios are at play (if not both):
1-Someone is flooding the bathroom-or-
2-Someone is peeing in the corner.
Either way I'm screwed and fit to be tied as I don my protective gear and prepare myself to enter into the young-testerone-zone and perform hazmat-esque clean-up. So anytime I hear running water I panic, and with no surprise. Running water is not soothing, it is bad. Bad. And people who sneak those damn little water fountains indoors prey on my adrenalin system. They are causing me kidney damage....adrenal fatigue. I just don't need that kinda stress in my life. So deep breathe or something. Chant...I'm used to idle self-chatter both from my children and myself. Do something...get one of those squeeze-em stress balls. Just please....don't do the running water thing.
---People who love songs that urge you to "live like you were dying." Hmmm...listen, I get the deeper message...I do. And how could I not? Every home decor store worth their salt has decorative signs with such platitudes. I get it...savor each day, live life to the most, yada. And I agree. However, let's really look at the sentence, "Live like you were dying." Now....wouldn't that be awful? Consider all the ways you might be dying. I just don't think we should all be living in hospital beds, hooked up to IVs, breathing machines, etc. Why not say "Live life fully." Much more to the point.
---Voicemail messages that say, "I'm either on the other line or away from my desk."
Um...duh-much? Are they worried that without that disclosure everyone that calls will take it personal, thinking that in the callee's psychic-ways (or Caller ID wisdom) is deliberately shunning them? I think it's fairly obvious to less paranoid folk that Voicemail=Person Busy Right Now. All we really need is a name so we know we got the right number, a brief assurance that the callee has some plan to return calls soon and then be on your way.
---Knee shorts...or whatever those awful fashion tragedies are. They are everywhere. Like a bad, bad rash or virus. They are baggy "shorts" that are really just Capris (which, on the other hand are CUTE, CUTE, CUTE!) that the seamstress cut-off too soon. Like right after the knee. Awful.
Listen, NO ONE looks good in these things. I know Plum has her own personal hatred of skorts, which I whole-heartedly support, but I have to say that a more urgent fashion virus that needs to be erradicated is the knee shorts epidemic. And as I was telling my bestest friend Audrey tonight on the phone...the thing that gets me is they are often paired with high-heels. Really now....I mean....r.e.a.l.l.y.n.o.w. It's like, "Gee...I can't seem to really get that I-C-K look down with just the knee-shorts. Oh! I know just the thing to really make folks gag.....high heels!"
That's all for now....I'm sure tomorrow will bring more things for you and I cackle about. Until then, keep on...keeping on.....or you know, living like you were dying. :oP
Labels: sass
posted by Jen Spedowfski-Martin at
8:41 PM
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