Epiphanies: Day Two

Alright, so today is Day Two. Day Two of what? Of peeling my ass out of bed at the first alarm that goes off.

Now, those that don't know me irl might think this is no big deal. Well, I hear you out there, but I say to you....THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY A HUGE DEAL.

Now my morning wake-up plan is not for wimps. Because the first step is very hard. Here is what needs to happen to get yourself out of bed if you are sleepyhead-challenged:

1) Show up late to work (2 hours + is a good time) after you've already received verbal warning. Feel like complete shit all day. Worthless, unable to survive as a competent adult.

Have long talk with Mom on phone bemoaning every ill that has ever come your way and question the very meaning of your existence. She knows your morning routine well, knows how positively sleepdrunk you are in the morning. Wax dramatic, telling her, "Mom, I don't even want to go to sleep anymore! I'll never know if I'm going to wake up on time!" And realize sadly that this is actually very true. She advises you to find a way to pull yourself out of the sleepdrunk state each a.m. and everything else will work itself out: Kids will behave and listen to me, I'll be super-productive and get more writing done (See Mom, you were right! Blogging counts right? Right?), we'll all eat better and possibly the kids will stop wetting the bed. But that last one is doubtful.

2) Research sleep disorders. Discover hypersomnia and self-diagnose it as your issue. Because one can never, ever have too many issues. Unfortunately, there is no time in your life to complete the required sleep study.

3) Research alarm clocks. Fall in love with the drill sargeant one (no, this has *nothing* to do with my attraction to military men, no, really....well, I think it doesn't). Although the one shaped like a bowling pin (Nobby) that you have to throttle to make the alarm stop is appealing. But according to husband you can throttle someone in your sleep without even partially opening your eyes so that won't work. Momentarily consider the puzzle piece alarm clock that throws puzzle pieces in the air and you have to find them and put them back into the top of the alarm clock to get the alarm clock to stop. This won't fare well as I live in a house of juvenile kleptomaniacs and one missing piece is exactly what will send me over the edge that I take two medications to avoid going over.

4) Call Psych nurse to see if Remeron can be taken in the morning. Nope, have to take it night. He suggests taking it at dinner time. I excitedly anticipate passing out right after dinner, something I thought I'd only be able to do at age 75+.

5) Look at Spencer's Gifts, Sharper Image, Wal-Mart, Target and any other store you can think to find said Drill Sargeant clock.

6) End up going back to www.thingsyouneverknew.com to put Drill Sargeant in your shopping cart, click on 1-2 business day shipping. Realize that it is Saturday and it clearly says 1-2 BUSINESS days which jets you ahead to Tuesday. No, that won't work, you need something posthaste, and definitely by Monday a.m.

7) Go to Linens & Things. Almost purchase $45 in wall art, but no alarm clock. Put wall art back on rack, demonstrating strength of will (note to self: this asset is most needed in the a.m. as well).

8) Wander in to Circuit City, get ink cartridges. Peruse whole store. Find alarm clocks but they are decidely more bland then the ones found on the web. Although they have one thing going for them. They, unlike the others that will arrive at the earliest on Tuesday a.m., are right in front of me. This is a big factor. Walk away. Get accosted by uber-friendly sales associate, "HicanIhelpyoufindanything?!"
"Ummm...yeah...alarm clocks?"
Get escorted back to alarm clocks and say, "Oh, okay, I was right here but I overlooked these ones."
Sales Associate feels like staying. He likes the one that projects the time on the ceiling. He thinks it's cool. Um, okay. "Thank you," I tell him. He gets the hint and beats feet.

Find PRODUCTS&cm_ite=1%20PRODUCT&cm_keycode=92">IT....an old-school alarm clock with the bell-and-hammer alarm that you jokingly told husband you were going to get. He didn't want you to get it. Said the tick-tock would drive him batty. Figure it's high time you did something to drive him nuts instead of the usual situation where he does something annoying to drive you nuts.

Call Mom excitedly repeating over and over, "I found it. I found it!" Tell her it might send your husband packing and subside into virtual awe as she says the words that you need to here, "Well, the way I see it, if he isn't going to help you in the mornings he shouldn't hinder you either." Wow....so profound. Consider it for your next tattoo.

9) Wake up at 6 a.m. on Sunday. Go to Starbucks and get coffee for yourself and husband. Once again fall into a state of awe of just how quiet it is at 6 a.m. on a Sunday. Quiet. You need quiet. Go to church with kids and parents.

10) Fall asleep shortly after 10:00 p.m.

11) Repeat process.