Writing: TNT in the Kitchen

Daily, I reported to the kitchen
Sometimes late,
And stressed out

I do not deny this
To you
To him
To the Head Chefs

I never claimed perfection
To you
To him
To the Head Chefs
To anyone
To myself

Each day he threw in more ingredients
The normal ones, I handled
The abnormal ones, I figured out
The flammable ones, though, sent me spinning…

Explosives in the kitchen?
And then he came towards me with a match
He said he would light it,
Getting a kick out of my fear,
This is not right….

And the scents
Were so strong
Of fear
Of hatred
Of anger

I tried to make you understand
But you never
Recognized the scents

I called a Head Chef
What do I do?
How do I sort these?
I just need help.
I just need help.
I just need help.

She did what she thought was right.
She called in an expert.

I do not blame her.

The expert,
Yes, she was eager
She had experience with him, with his explosives and she could help me


I grew uneasy,
Racing thoughts,
“This is going to blow
I know,
I do not want it to blow.”

I was told that blowing it up was the best
Way to dispose of it

Panic and fear
held my hands each day

These hands, they were idle now,
Now that the situation was taken out of them
So panic and fear filled in.

Then this expert,
She brought in more.

So many Chefs in the kitchen,
All handling the TNT
Asking me questions I did not know

They threw some of it back at me
They threw a good portion at him,
Then they threw it at you.

And then lit a match,
And questioned us while we burned.

Yes, you may never believe me,
And I am coming to accept that,
Hour by hour

You asked me if I got what I wanted,
You hoped I was happy now

I wanted help,
I got my soul ripped out.
Does it sound like I got what I wanted?

You trusted me
I trusted them

You said I was oversensitive,
That my TNT was merely
Nutmeg,
Possibly Cinnamon,
Jeez, at the very most red pepper

But you do not know,
You do not know,
Because you only got questioned on the red pepper,
Not the TNT

You told me I was the one who should have left,
And I never wanted any of this
Not his TNT, not his abuse
But again, you only know of red pepper

And when you said that,
I wanted to leave this world.

You trusted me
but
I trusted you
To know who I was,
To know I would not throw a lit bomb,
And stroll away
With a wicked grin upon my face

You may never trust me again,
Don’t worry, I am not there anymore.

It is a day later now,
Since our screaming and sobbing
At each other

And I am still not over it,
But I will be,
You put him on a pedestal.

You blamed me for the TNT.

You insinuated that I was too much,
I expected too much,
I wanted too much.

Yes, well, this is both a curse and a blessing
Of which I do not expect you to understand

But most of all,
You did not stand by me.
You assumed the worse of me
And goddammit you KNOW better
YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN THAT

You assumed the worse of me,
In a panic to protect yourself.

I told you I was sorry
And I am
I am sorry that I stayed and fought for what was right
I am sorry that you were incapable of believing me
I am sorry that he was Class A Asshole,
To which you had undying loyalty
I am sorry I trusted you to trust me.

So now we are all burnt,
Charred,
I go back to the kitchen day in, day out
On time,
But still stressed out.

He has been kicked out
And you hate me.

And you think this is what I wanted?

You don’t know me at all.