Sassy Mama: Saturation Point

I found mine today, i.e. my saturation point. It happened while we were parked outside the pediatric dentist office while the older boys were getting their teeth worked on. Phil was on dentist duty while I sat in the minivan with Ornery Tiger Cub and Pebbles. Everything was going as good as can be expected, considering I had confined a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old to a small space. I had them unbuckled so they could roam and pillage--the absolute bare minimum prerequisite to ensure the happiness toddlers. So things started out fairly well.

Soon though, the pillaging and thrashing grew tiresome and the wee ones became restless...and LOUD. Out of nowhere, Ornery Tiger Cub started a chant that almost killed me: "Mama-wait-mama-wait-mama-wait-mama-wait." It was chanted at a rapid fire speed with a high-pitched helium-induced-like tone. My head actually started to buzz. As my brain cells and synapse processes paused in horror, I experienced a complete absence of thought. Which, of course, was nice....but soon the buzzing came back and my brain clearly shouted, "MAKE THAT SOUND STOP NOW!" So I did what I do best. I yelled, "Stop that yelling right now!" I'm a good example, aren't I?

I've been having these brain freezes more frequently lately. Amidst the noise and chaos of the children fighting or playing (and sometimes you can't even tell which they are doing, all you know is that it is too damn noisy!) I freeze up. For a split second there is nothing...no thoughts. And although that sounds heavenly, it isn't. It's more like a major traffic jam on the brain-thought-idea highway. All thoughts freeze and I'm left (not for a long time, so don't grow concerned) with my mouth agape and murmuring, "Ahhh......." shortly followed by, "Shut up now. Shut up now!" And then I just want to flip out, start yelling and hollering and scaring the little human ballistics factories into submission.

It's horrible I know. And I do feel guilty. So I talked to my sister about this since she has four kids and I desperately needed to know if these are *normal* feelings for a mom of four or if I needed to seek Anger Management classes. My sister prefers not to be named by her real name. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that she'd be happier if she never, ever gets mentioned in this blog. But she ain't that lucky. After much thought as to what her alias should be (Horsey, Mouse, Hamburger Helper, Horatio) I think I've decided on "Bisquick." Why? Because I like the way it sounds. There's no funny story to go along with it. I just want to call my older sister "Bisquick" and since this is my blog, damn skippy, I'm gonna do it.

So I called Bisquick up and asked her if this was normal. But she wasn't listening. Because her kids were hollering and hooting in the background like a bunch of drunks during last call. I understand this scenario so I patiently repeat my question,

"Bisquick," I say, "is it normal for us mothers of four kids to want to flip out? I mean, of course it's normal. But is it normal for our heads to buzz and to have the urge just to slap their heads together? I wouldn't ever do it. On purpose. But is it normal?"

And Bisquick's answer was, I think, more to herself than to me. She replied, "Well, Jen (she doesn't have a spiffy nickname for me...yet...but I'm thinking it's going to start with "b" and end with "h") kids are just like that."

What? Okay, rewind. I know kids are "just like that." What I want to know is if I'm on the fast track to loony, anger-filled Momville. So I repeat the above question and she basically repeats her answer, "Jen, I don't know why. Kids are just weird."

I think Bisquick had been hitting the bottle prior to my call to her and I don't blame her. I did eventually get both a coherent and applicable answer from her but it was lame and I forgot it already.

This I know.....I'd be a freak if I didn't have the urge to take whatever measures necessary to stop the crazy primate-house-like noises that bounce my eardrums are hither-skither. That wouldn't be normal. It'd be like watching a bee land on your arm and prepare to sting you and you do absolutely nothing about it. That's just not natural.

But I also know this, I must be an outstanding mommy because the worst I've done is yelled, "Quiet" or "Shut up" real loud, oh alright, and added some pretty colorful cuss words. BUT.....I've never boxed their ears or hung them upside down or followed through on any of the other loony thoughts that flash through my head when they drive me to that point. And that, ladies and gents, takes mad mommy skills.