Sassy Mama: The longer I.....

I've noticed that the longer I've been a parent, the smaller the stack of parenting books on my bookshelf becomes.

When I had my first child, I bought every book for each new milestone. From teething to temper tantrums, I had the experts at my fingertips. And with each additional child I birthed, the less I referred to these books. Were the books so well written that I had it memorized and no longer needed to go back? Well, possibly. But the main reason I never went back was they didn't work the first time. I'm sure those average, "normal" couples (what is that again? Last time I checked it was: 2.3 kids, live in the suburbs, own a two-story with a pool, own a couple dogs...a cat possibly, two incomes and a combined daily commute of four hours) have children that adhere to the advice these books spout but I ain't never met a book that could figure my kids out. Never, ever.

Case in point or rather "A Day in the Life of Smudgebaby":

Exhibit A:
Child (pick any of the four): throws a tantrum and starts yelling.
Book says: Tell the child calmly and firmly, "I don't like being yelled at that way. You may talk to me when you are ready to be respectful.
My REAL-LIFE results of saying the above: I get chased around the apartment by a child yelling, "But I am beinnnnnngggg we-spect-full! MOMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!! MOMMMMYYYYY!!!!!"

Somewhere, my child did not hear nor heed the part about, "You may talk to me when________." When I try to remind them by repeating my statement, they give me a "who me?" expression as to say, "Oh....you were saying all of that for my benefit." No sweet child, I was talking to the cat. And then they start screaming AGAIN.

Exhibit B:
Children are fighting/wrestling/manhandling/beating the utter crap out of each other.
Me (following chapter from parenting book): "Stop. Stop! STOP! STOP!!!! We. do. not. hit. in. this. house. We are respectful of each other in this house."
Eldest child: "Mom, we don't live in a house we live in an apartment. And besides, he hit me first and I was just trying to defend myself. I explained to him. He didn't stop. (second eldest child starts to pinch eldest child while talking) Mom! Mom...DO. YOU. SEE. WHAT. HE......"
and before he finishes his sentence he starts pummeling second eldest child and I am left screaming, "Stop. Stop! STOP!!!!" Sound familiar?!

Now repeat this above scenario several times a day, interchanging the three older boys in a do-si-do fashion. When finished, slide Mom a cold one.

I have many other examples: For instance, how the baby daughter's dolls are all (hmmm...a mystery) missing their tops, the eldest child's insistence (he's only 9 for crying out loud!) that he isn't going to prom because he isn't going to part with his money (what money?!) to rent a tuxedo, and the 3-year-old son's penance for yelling, "I'm a punk, I'm a punk!" and giggling (no, thankyouverymuch, he hasn't heard that from me) or chanting Eminem lyrics (oh...alright...he probably heard the lyrics from me).

See....I live in an odd world.